essays

When Lady Bird opened the car door because she “hasn’t lived through anything” she was seventeen years old.

 

When Lena Dunham’s Girls were buldozing their lives through six seasons of chaos, they were in their 20’s.

 

I’m so embarassed, I’m not a real person yet, says Frances in Frances Ha, when her card’s declined. She is 27 and by our society’s norms, she should be in the home stretch of getting her act together. Like her best friend, Sophie is. Just shifting gears, some cosmetic repairs left. But Frances moves around a lot and doesn’t have a secure job. It’s not only that Frances is a late-bloomer, it’s more like she doesn’t seem as a person that could ever be someone holding it together. That’s why my love for her was so easy, I didn’t have anything to envy her.

 

The worst person in the world is probably the best title that has ever been put on a movie because this is exactly how I feel about not having my shit together. When the movie came out, I was just about to turn thirty, same as the lead character. I found it so comforting that Julie changed interests, studies, apartments, relationships and most importatntly for me- was and stayed indecisive throughout the film. When movie ended, we left her getting on with her life.

 

In chapter two, when asked what does she do, Julie emberasangly answers “I’m employed in a bookstore”. Because she doesn’t have a profession, a career with a noun that shifts you into a full size person. An architect. A writer. An engineer. She’s just an employee somewhere to pay rent and live her life. When I met my ex’s friends, I was of course asked what I do? When I told them I’m employed in real estate agency, they were surprised by my uneventful answer. One even said, and I quote: “I thought you are at least a painter or something”. Sorry, best I can do is unproportional stick people and being an employee.

It was a similar moment when Frances sat by a dinner table of people about the same age as her, and they all grimaced when she spoke, because she seemed muddled. She looks a lot older but less grown up as Sophie, someone said. Only when she throws in the “I just got back from Sacramento”, everyone oohs, because traveling is something relatable and desirable to people in thirties. It means you’re fun and free enough, and serius enough to be able to afford it. If nothing else, it makes you a person that travels. Years ago I went working in Spain for a few months. I did it twice. I went to work in Ireland twice as well, so that was quite a few years I was able to use my absence as an execuse to not improve my life. To my friends, I was that person that travels and works abroad, because we had nothing else in common. I wasn’t able to move together with anyone if I was travelling, right? Or get a real steady job, lay some pilars for my future self.

 

Julie in The worst person in the world will be thirty forever while I am not. I’m now closer to Elizabeth when she did her eat, pray, love. But she started over. She was coming from somewhere. Frances Meyes was 35 when she got a divorce and bought a house in Tuscany. Coming through on the other side when your life falls apart can be romantic. But the premise is, you have to have something for it to fall apart. A concept of a loser, neverthelss a loser woman is uneapealing to crowds. And so pathetic, that if there ever is one, it could only be a comedy. We don’t want to sit through uneventful lives. Outspoken, sometimes homeless preferebly men side characters are allowed because of added depth, humor and are a foil character. One even recieved an Oscar this year!

 

Turning thirty is always the pivoting moment. In movies and real life. That’s why Jennifer Gardenr was 13 going 30, not 13 going 31, 33, 39. She got a second chance to be a better person by 30. I’m not deminishing the possibility of suffering after 30, because there’s always room for it. But after 30, you should have the basics covered from which you can suffer. You should have a job and suffer making it a career or move up the latter. You should be in a relationship that is getting prepared to become a family, if it’s not already. If it is, your options of suffering are in comodifying your life with bigger apartment, or building a house outside a city. When you’ll have that, or if you have that, suffer in thinking about traveling more or buying a weekend house; then suffer in repairing it and suffer in settling on it becoming your travels. Maybe you and your partner argue about having(another) kid. That’s suffering, too. And you’ll need a bigger car. But these forms of suffering contain a very important pilar of sanity: knowing what you want. Maybe you’re in a crossroad right now, but you do remember what you wanted, say two years ago.

The very first thing self help gurus, life coaches, self help books and therapists say, is to surround yourself with people who lift you up. I particulary resented therapists say that (mine included), because it undermines the whole point of me sitting with them, not feeling good enough for the outside world. I’m the person to stay away from. I’m the red flag. Someone who will not be smarter than you in the room and therefore won’t improve your life. I want to say I’m funny, but of course I am. No one will think they have bad taste in music, right? If we were sitting at the dinner table, and you said your computer just froze, I’d have zero idea of any advice. My ex told me something about graphic cards once and as I googled it right now to see if I remember correctly, I’m not sure I do. Do the back up real quick, and throw the computer against the wall.

 

If little insects inhabit your living room, I would hope you have plants, because I could be so smart and tell you they probably came out of soil. How to get rid of them or prevent them in a first place? Go to the store and buy that bug repellent spray is best I could do. I don’t know if your bread didn’t rise because you used too much/too little water, because you kneeded it too much/to little, because your oven is old, etc., and I’ve baked quite a few loafs in my lifetime. If it worked it worked, or I ate a brick. I’m notouriously known for my bad memory, so helping you figure out what was that guy’s name we met three years ago who helped us with flat tire, is a lost game. I’m useless! Stay away from me!

I’m not struggling with a carrer because I never had one. I’m not struggling with trying to build a house or move to a bigger apartment because I have 0 in savings. I have an unanswered “Is this item still available” on my phone because I don’t really want to sell my ukulele but I need money.

And I’m aware that I dont have to abide by society’s norms. Fuck that. It’s about getting wiser with age. In teens we are just shaping, literally, in physycal way. In twenties, we’re messy, lost, we run around. Along the way, little by little, we pick up grains of wisdom. And as we grow older, we have more of it, right? Slowly you should be able to give advice. That’s what I see and hear when people talk about ageing. Your life experiences give you wisdom and you slowly transition to a person, who can give advice. Because you lived through something. I barely lived at all, and I can guarantee I’m no wiser than an avarage 20-year old. I read some essays here on Substack from people 10 years younger than me, and maaaan, do they form their thoughts. I could never have any advice for them.

 

I’m a man without a past, of no memory of myself. I never learned anything and nothing stayed with me or in me. This kind of emptiness is a special kind of suffering. It’s sorrow rooted in resentment. It’s self-pity holding hands with embarassment. Both are judging. It’s uncomfortable to be in this body, let alone share it with someone. I want something but I have no idea what this is and it’s harder to get it with each passing year.

I haven’t lived through anything and I’m opening my car’s door right now.